How to turn CONFLICT with your partner into CONNECTION

😈 I’ve been behaving badly… 

Nitpicking and overreacting to minor issues. 

Controlling and ordering him around. 

Pushing him away when he wants to connect. 

The subconscious is sneaky mother f*cker. 🦊

I LOVE my partner David. 

I have CHOSEN to blend families and build a life with him. 

I CONSCIOUSLY WANT THIS! 

Yet, as our relationship deepens and our lives become more intertwined (talks of marriage, loving his children as my own, organizing finances – ie. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT!) 

I push him further and further away. 😞

This weekend we had a big fight. 

Both of us blew up over small things and instead of trying to REPAIR, we REACTED with anger and frustration. 

So after giving each other 24hrs of space to process and move thru our emotions, here’s what we did to turn our CONFLICT into deeper CONNECTION: 

🖤 We spoke from a place of calmness and curiosity.

🖤 He shared his side of the story. I shared mine. 

🖤 We processed openly about…

WHY we were behaving this way?

WHAT was driving our actions?

And asked hard, vulnerable questions like…

Do we both really want this? And …

Is it worth the hard work? 

🖤 We shared and held space for our doubts and concerns, and

🖤 Expressed our desires and hopes for the future. 

When we finished our conversation we realized that our “bad behavior” was driven by FEAR.

We’ve both been hurt and we’re afraid of it happening again!

Fear is valid. It’s normal to be afraid of a relationship not working out! 🤞

🚨But it’s close to impossible to build a loving, intimate, and committed relationship if fear is running the show.

When you’re acting out of fear …

👉 Your brain spirals and turns any conflict into evidence for how the relationship is failing or won’t work out. 

👉 The nitpicking is your brain seeking all the potential pitfalls as a means to protect you. 

👉 But it’s a false protection. 

Many relationships fail because instead of doing the self-inquiry required to bring awareness to their fear-based thoughts, most couples make it about the other person

So they break-up, find someone new, only to repeat the same pattern.🙃

The couples who make it, however, know how to alchemize their fear by fueling their desire🔥

By bringing awareness to survival, lower-brain thinking…

💖 Consciously shifting into higher-brain, best-case scenario thinking!

💖 Dreaming up a shared vision for the type of love, intimacy and life they want to share together.

💖 Then looking for evidence that affirm that this desired connection exists.

I see D and my lil “blow up” as a blessing.

I know that our relationship can withstand pressure.🥵

It affirmed that we can have real, raw, honest and hard conversations. And that after all is said and done…

We still choose each other! 🥰

My journey dating as a widow, falling in love after loss, and now moving in and blending families has been filled with rejection, more heartbreak & grief, and complex emotional & practical challenges.

It was so easy the first time around!

My friend and colleague Michelle Mouhtis  That Millennial Therapist — who I co-created Love After Loss  with — told me that when you get married young like I did it’s more like a business start-up.

You have a big vision, high hopes for the future, but basically no idea what you are jumping into!

But you go for it anyways, because the love, passion and excitement is there. 🚀

When you get married the second time it’s more like a merger.

You know exactly what you are getting into so you have hard, practical, and honest conversations to ensure that everything aligns — lifestyle / culture, finances, and shared vision. 👩‍💼👨‍💼

There’s more fear and hesitation — more due diligence so to speak — but you’re willing to put in the hard work because you know how good it can get!

To share life with someone who reciprocates the love, understanding, and admiration you have for them. 💞

As Nat King Cole put it,

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”

When it comes to LOVE AFTER LOSS, what are some of the biggest challenges that you have faced or what to learn more about?